


shouting curses at ursa major

by captainegg



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Falling Out of Love, I'm Sorry, M/M, Post-Canon, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29586690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainegg/pseuds/captainegg
Summary: Sometimes, forever doesn't last as long as you might want it to.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 29
Kudos: 24





	shouting curses at ursa major

**Author's Note:**

> This idea just randomly popped up in my head and I had to get it out of my system. I already apologize for whatever this turned into. So. Yeah.
> 
> Thank you to AmberFox for beta reading.
> 
> Title: Kissaphobic by Make Out Monday

Alex is 30 when he falls out of love with Henry.

It might be a cliche to say but it’s not Henry’s fault. Alex himself isn’t even sure why it’s happening but the gnawing feeling comes and goes like the tides and Alex is slowly beginning to lose it.

He still fucking loves Henry with all his heart, god how he loves him.

Alex loves to watch Henry make his tea in the morning, loves to watch him refill the sage-green electric kettle with water from the tab, how he stands in front of the cup rag for a moment, pondering which cup to use, how he fills the loose tea into the little heart-shaped strainer Alex got him years ago. Henry likes his black tea strong with milk and just a dash of sugar.

Alex loves how Henry abandons his perfect posture when he’s slouching on his favourite armchair in their living room when he’s reading, completely encapsulated but whatever is going on between the pages.

Alex loves how Henry’s body fits itself against Alex’s no matter where they are—in bed, in crowded conference rooms, in big ballrooms. Alex feels as if he knows every inch of Henry’s body by memory. He has kissed and touched every single curve, mole, and bone. Henry’s body is a bare slate, a canvas Alex splashes with paint again and again, creating a piece of art more impressive than the previous one time and time again.

Alex loves how Henry interacts with others but especially with children. Henry is kind, patient, and understanding. He takes his time with everyone who talks to him. He and Alex has even talked about having children themselves, went back and forth between surrogating and adopting. Henry will be a great dad, Alex knows that but he’s not sure if he’s up for the part.

Alex loves how Henry fits himself against Alex so effortlessly. When Alex is relentless and stubborn, Henry is the flowing river, finding a way around and embracing him, smoothing out all of Alex’s edges.

Alex loves how caring Henry is. When Alex is up late or even back when he was going to law school, Henry was always there for him, bringing him water and food, making sure he takes naps and lets fresh air into his room. 

Alex loves how being loved by Henry feels. He can feel Henry’s touch on his skin even hours laters, can taste Henry's lips on his own even if they are an ocean apart. Henry is always there for him, kissing him, holding him close. He feels more connected to Henry than to anyone else.

But the thing is, Alex just isn’t _in love_ anymore. 

And he knows how unfair that is, how he told everyone that he chose and loved Henry on purpose and forever, how they loved each other despite all the odds that were stacked against them. It physically pains him just thinking about not having Henry around him, not to be called _love_ by Henry anymore, not to wake up next to him every morning.

But the worst thing is that he has to tell Henry eventually. 

It‘s no use to lay awake at night, unable to fall asleep, tossing and turning while trying to find the right words. There are only so many excuses he can make for himself: one more night, one more public appearance, one more try, one more time over and over again.

Alex feels crushed by his own thoughts, by his own fucking daunting thoughts that he wishes would just go away. He doesn’t want to leave Henry, doesn’t want to break his heart, doesn’t want to see him cry.

Henry sits in his office when Alex comes home that day. He can feel his heart growing heavier with every step he takes. He almost considers not going into the office, continuing down the hall to their shared bedroom but he doesn’t. Instead, he softly knocks and then enters the room.

The light inside is bright, the night draping itself over the skyline outside the window like a piece of dark blue velvet. Henry looks up at Alex, smiling, and Alex forces himself to smile back.

“Can we talk?” he asks, fidgeting with his wedding ring, avoiding to look Henry in the eye.

Henry puts down his pen and gestures for Alex to sit down. “Sure.” His voice sounds stern, worried. 

Alex’s heart drops to the floor as he crosses the room and takes a seat across the desk from Henry, eyes fixed on the star map on the wall behind Henry’s left shoulder.

“I honestly don’t know how to begin with this,” Alex says and takes a deep breath. His skin is vibrating with anxiousness and his chest feels tighter and tighter as the seconds go by. “I think… we should take a break,” he says. The words are out now, unstoppable, but Alex doesn’t feel relieved.

He feels fucking awful because Henry’s entire face slips and he just stares at Alex for an uncomfortably long time. The bright blue in his eyes grows watery as tears begin to spill from them, rolling down his cheeks where they collect on his skin before dropping down onto the dark wood of his desk.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while,” Alex admits, eyes lowered to where he fidgets with his wedding ring. “It’s not that I don’t love you anymore or anything. I just don’t think I’m _in love_ anymore. And god, it fucking hurts so badly, this fucking feeling just won’t leave me alone, no matter how hard I try. If you could just give me some time to fix this-”

Henry doesn’t even let him finish. “No,” he says, his voice shaky. 

“Please, let me explain,” Alex tries again but Henry shakes his head.

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Alex. I… I don’t want to hear it, okay? I have noticed you pulling away recently so I somewhat expected it? Though I thought I would be able to save you… save us. But I guess not.”

Alex tries his best not to cry, biting on his lip hard to keep his eyes from watering. Henry’s voice grows shakier with every word as the tears continue to roll down his face. Even now Henry doesn’t look ugly. His face is pale like marble and the tears look like expensive pearls. Alex wants to kiss them away.

“It’s not your fault, Henry,” Alex says and reaches over to take Henry’s hand into his own but Henry pulls away. “I… I’m sorry.” Alex’s voice grows weaker, barely audible now.

“I need some time to think about this, okay? We… we need to think and talk this through properly but… I just can’t. I’m sorry, Alex,” Henry says but doesn’t wait for Alex to reply or even register what he just said. 

Henry gets up and quietly leaves, face tearstained, Alex finally allows himself to cry, burying his face in his hands, letting out uncontrolled sobs. He digs the balls of his hands so deep into his eyes until it hurts, until the tears stop, until his entire body goes numb.

He just let go of the most important person in his entire life, leaving his world in shambles. 

Outside the window, the moon rises above a broken home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are as always very much appreciated 🖤
> 
> Come and join the [RWRB discord server](https://discord.gg/DVqeKTtxqK) (open to anyone)!


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